Babies in China must think they own the world. They are free to waddle around, butts exposed, defecating wherever they want to in public. Many just laugh it off, but not me. No I’ve had it up to here with these babies and their blatant disrespect for diapers!
Chinese babies rely on split-pants in leu of diapers for when nature calls. That means they can go wherever they want, whenever they want. The mess is simply left behind. I haven’t seen one baby wearing diapers since I arrived two months ago, but I’ve seen plenty of infants marking their territory.
Carefree babies and toddlers prance around with their rear-ends out in the open, looking at me condescendingly, as if to say, “what are you gonna do about it?” Not just outdoors, but in malls, restaurants and grocery stores, Chinese babies and their butts laugh in the face western diaper-wearing logic.
Once, I was in a busy shopping mall, and I saw a man running toward a trashcan with a trail of liquid splashing underneath him. He had an infant girl in his arms. He was running, she was peeing. They made it to the trashcan where she finished her business, but the damage had already been done. The mess was on him and on the ground.
I watched it all unfold like slow motion. I was blown away by this fast-paced feat of fecal urgency, but nobody around me paid any attention to the mess. Nope, they were too busy staring at me, the white guy, to notice the baby giggling and making a mockery of modern plumbing.
I once saw a toddler peeing in the parking lot of the mall, holding up traffic. Since this is China, the impatient drivers expectedly laid on their horns to show disapproval. I laughed to myself, thinking that the toddler must have gotten a real kick out of making all those people wait until he was finished with his business.
A friend of mine once told me she was sitting in KFC in China enjoying a crispy processed chicken something or other. She looked over to see that a little baby had taken a dump on the ground in the middle of the restaurant. As you might expect, she did not finish her meal.
This is a message to all you babies in China: You think that just because you’re adorable and wear cutesy panda-themed clothing, I’ll laugh and turn the other cheek when you defecate in public. That’s false. It’s called a diaper. Wear one. That way, I can walk around without fear of stepping in your poop.