As the MONKEY abroad, I’m a self-proclaimed authority on bananas. I eat them every day; sometimes up to 8 bananas in a span of 12 hours. Bananas are plentiful in Thailand, but let’s face it: they’re small. This observation, combined with the age-old stereotype about penis sizes in Asia, has inspired me to write my most politically incorrect article to date.
The bananas grown in Thailand are smaller than the bananas I ate back in the United States. This got me to thinking: Are banana sizes in different countries relative to each region’s average johnson size? While thoughtfully eating a banana, I stopped mid-munch, wide-eyed at my own immature musings. I may very well be on the brink of a scientific breakthrough.
To support my phallic theory, I conducted some scholarly second-hand research. What I discovered not only fortified my belief, but forced me realize my true place in the world of peckers. According to this World Map of Penis Sizes Country by Country, the United States does indeed have a larger average penis size than Thailand. But unfortunately, while the USA is more endowed than Asian countries, it doesn’t rank highly on a worldwide scale.
Thailand ranks among the least endowed, and its bananas are tiny, so could there be a correlation? I say yes. You’re probably already trying to think of ways to poke holes in my genius theory: “But Kevin, the United States imports all of its bananas from other countries! This bizarre penis-banana comparison will never hold up!” False.
Here’s why my Nobel Peace Prize-worthy theory holds up. The United States imports bananas primarily from South American countries. According to the highly reputable world map I cited earlier, South America has a concentration of some of the biggest tallywhackers in the world with Ecuador, Columbia, Venezuela and Bolivia ranking among the top 10 countries by average penis size. Armed with this information, my theory is inphallible!
Conclusion: The Banana-Penis Theory
The average penis size of a country is relative to the average size of the bananas it produces. If the United States had a tropical enough climate to support the growth of bananas, they’d be larger than Asia’s bananas and smaller than South America’s.
Are you offended? Probably. Is your mind blown? Absolutely.