Russians in Phuket are a bunch of stone-faced vacationers. They can be seen walking down the beach with their ever-frowning spouses and children, browsing beachside shops searching for something new to become angry about. You’d think a guy who retreats from a grey, cold country like Russia to go on holiday in beautiful Phuket would be a little excited. Not Russian men. They scowl at anyone daring enough to make eye contact. All while wearing a banana hammock.
Russian women are even worse. Even their breasts seem to wear a frown. Though I’ll admit they’re usually quite supple. So I guess that’s pretty cool.
And don’t get me started on the kids. I’ll wave at them, say hello. You know, southern friendliness. They just hiss at me and spit at my feet. You can’t teach that. It’s genetic. Russians, with their long, bony faces, don’t care about southern hospitality. Maybe they just inverse whatever emotion you show them. The bigger your smile, the longer their frown. Funny, considering this is the ‘Land of Smiles.’
Americans vacation to Mexico. Russians go on on holiday to Thailand. That much is evident based on the number of Russian restaurants on the coast here in Phuket. In fact, I’m sitting at a Russian restaurant this very moment tapping into the free WiFi to write this article.
This restaurant is run by friendly Thai folk who cater to the Russian hoards and provide coveted internet access to all foreign travelers pro bono. If it was managed by Russians, they’d probably require an initial deposit of my left hand for the first hour, followed by a new finger from my right hand for every additional hour I access the WiFi of their motherland.
To the Russians in Phuket: lighten up. Maybe even practice smiling every once in a while. Just start slow. I don’t wanna be responsible for any injuries to the face. Once you get the hang of it, smiling can actually be kind of fun.