All Thai people have nicknames. Their full names are really long, so this is a way to cut it down a bit. Nicknames are typically bestowed upon a child based on the interests, hobbies and occupations of their parents. Some nicknames are downright awesome. Using a roster of the 650+ students I teach, I made a list of my top 25 favorites.
1. Fork
Fork’s parents must enjoy eating. I wonder if they have another child named Spoon…
2. Clean
I bet that Clean ironically has a very dirty room at home.
3. Frong teeth
Maybe Frong teeth’s parents meant ‘Front teeth,’ or ‘Frog teeth’? Do frogs even have teeth? Either way, this name made the list because it doesn’t make any sense to me. And I get a kick out of saying it out loud.
4. Golf
Ah, golf; the most boring sport to watch. Golf’s dad is probably a great player.
5. Apple
It’s much more socially acceptable when a Thai person names their child Apple than when an Gwyneth Paltrow does it.
6. Meow
I asked Meow if she likes cats. She said no.
7. Oil Easy
Oil Easy’s name is unique. It’s a combination of two common Thai nicknames: Oil and Easy. His parents probably couldn’t decide which name to choose for him, so they thought, “why not both?”
8. Fufu
I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around Fufu because she has a royal aura about her. With such a fancy name, Fufu demands attention. She’s by far one of my most outspoken students.
9. The Ice
I have tons of students named Ice, but The Ice makes the list because he’s THE Ice. Everyone else is just an Ice.
10. Smilely
Okay, so this student’s name is obviously ‘Smiley’ and she misspelled it. But still, what an awesome name. Especially with the signature smiley face.
11. Pee
Studious Pee sits somewhere in the middle of the class; not outspoken but not too quiet. An average student, but with a name like Pee, he had to make my list. His parents must be interesting people. Also, he sits next to Pooh, which is an awesome coincidence.
12. Mew
Mew made the list because he’s one of my favorite students, plus his name is the same as the most powerful Pokémon. Also, ‘mew’ is the sound a kitten makes.
13. Fifa
Fifa’s parents must be huge football fans.
14. Dream
What a great name. I’d name my own flesh and blood Dream. I bet his parents are very ambitious people.
15. Brings boy
I can’t imagine the motivation behind naming a child Brings boy. Maybe he’s a twin, and he was the first to exit the womb, but he was holding on tightly to his twin brother during delivery. Or maybe one of his parents is Native American, so they dubbed him with a verbal name like ‘Runs With Dear.’
16. Guitar
A truly awesome name. I’ve got a couple of students named Guitar. Their dads could probably shred pretty hard.
17. Fresh
With a name like that, who wouldn’t want to be your friend? I bet Fresh always has the best ideas and the freshest breath.
18. Nig
This name made the list because it defies all political correctness. The best part is, Nig is just a quiet little girl who sits in the back of class. I love when she speaks up, because I get to say, “good job, Nig!” and the class has no idea I’m shouting a racial slur.
19. Pot
Pot’s parents either enjoy cooking food or they enjoy smoking dope. Either way, Pot makes my list because I assume the latter.
20. Wine
A name like this raises the question: which varietal do Wine’s parents prefer—Riesling, Cabernet, or Chardonnay?
21. Champagne
Champange’s parents left nothing to guess with their daughter’s name. They’re champagne drinkers and they’re proud.
22. Poo
Poo tops the list of kids who have the cruelest parents. Who would name their child Poo and expect them to have a semblance of a regular social life in high school?
23. Name
This one’s a classic. It speaks for itself, like a person who uses the word ‘password’ as their online password. In my opinion, Name is the best name on this entire list.
24. Clutch
I bet Clutch will grow up to sink so many game-winning beer pong shots. His friends won’t have to don him with the nickname ‘Clutch’ because he’ll already have it! But seriously, I bet his dad is a car repairman or something.
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